How Porn Made Me Attracted to Other Guys (original link no longer functioning)
http://theporneffect.com/blog/post/how-porn-made-me-attracted-to-other-guys/
PORN! There I said it.
No big deal right? Well, if you take a look around, you will find that people generally don’t bat an eye to porn anymore. … unless you speak of it as some kind of problem. In that case, you must be crazy! I hear that all the time from a world that assures us that pornography is “not hurting anyone,” and which may even be “liberating”.
Let me explain how “liberating” it is …
Scientific evidence points to the reality that it takes about 0.3 seconds for a pornographic image to etch itself into a person’s head. You cannot unsee things. However, by choosing to grow in the virtue of chastity, I became ever-more motivated to stop the sexual acts and the lusting. This has brought some of those memories to be blotted out over time. I know this is possible for anyone else to experience as well.
See, I began watching porn—getting high off porn—at the age of nine. I heard Matt Fradd say in a talk one day that “Porn is boring!” in that awesome accent, and it stuck with me. He was right! Why else was I never satisfied with each click? It was never enough.
“Gay” Porn I was getting high on porn so often that using “straight” porn was no longer enough to reach the high I desired. I, like so many others out there, ventured into other categories—one of which being the “gay” pornography (same-sex male-male pornography).
Yup—it’s a bit humbling. I always thought I would take this to the grave, that no one else would ever have to know; but this is too important not to share. See, I was hooked immediately. It was the new high I was looking for. However, just like all the other highs, it began to wane. I had to watch more and more to reach the same high. Hour after hour, day after day—did I mention that sharing this is humbling? Just like in the other kinds of pornography, the next step was to seek out a partner to “try it out”.
I did seek it out, but I never “went the distance” so to speak.
Nonetheless, I was hooked, and was at the point where I couldn’t run anymore from the question of whether I was “gay” or not, and I just came out to myself. I lost all hope of having a family or being a good husband one day (to a woman), and was also scared as hell because I knew I would have to tell my parents somehow. I got here due to the choices I made to get high on pornography.
Many professionals ignore this factor—please do not ignore it anymore.
My struggle today in effect is not different than those who look at opposite-sex pornography because we are all facing the same sin which is lust.
Somehow in this mess of my life, I was exposed to the idea of preparing my heart for a future spouse if it still be in God’s plan. I already knew I was using people (and I wasn’t cool with that), so instead I opened my heart to grow in purity, and in the virtue of chastity. Lo and behold, that was the “magic bullet” that countered the drive to act out in lustful ways.
I began to strive to grow in virtue (mainly through the Sacrament of Reconciliation), but also by breaking out of the box that I had put myself in. I chose to reject the gay identity label, while still being honest with myself about the existence of the attractions I was experiencing, simply because I knew that I would eventually conform to that label, and I didn’t want that (whether you think this is good or bad is moot—please respect my journey).
Along this journey I came to know the love of Christ, and that drew me to find my identity first and foremost in Christ, and that is what drew me to open myself further to the virtue of chastity. Over time, I was strengthened by God’s grace to say “Yes” to self-control, and the grip of pornography over my soul began to weaken.
This took about 8 years, and it is all by God’s grace, resulting from the choice to say “Yes” to Him above myself.
Finding Freedom Today I am on the other side of the pornography addiction. For roughly twenty-four years, it consumed me. I am less than thirty-five years old. I thank God every day because my life is still ahead of me—and so might be the reality of having a family.
Yes, there are wounds and scars, but there is great healing in Christ. He heals all who come to him—in his time, not ours. I will always have room for growth, but today there is nothing I want more than to grow in him, with him, and in him. This is what I am choosing to do.
Don’t Lose Hope If you have ever struggled with same-sex pornography—please do not lose hope. The isolation and the feelings of worthlessness are the whisperings of the evil one, as are the feelings of apathy. He had me wrapped up in this for most of my life.
But there is hope in Christ. All we have to do is look to him first and foremost, and be open to his call. I’d also strongly encourage you to check out the Courage apostolate, because it was through Courage that I began to discover what it meant to have a holy relationship—one that was not anchored on lust.
Your witness of confronting your porn problem is needed more than ever in our world. Let’s continue to face this together, in hopes of reaching one heart at a time with his simple message: Even when the evil one tricks you into that “one more time,” know that God’s loving mercy is greater than any sin that you could ever commit.
Let us open ourselves to the protection of the Blessed Virgin Mary, while we run back into the arms of the one who loves us most, Abba Father.
I assure you, this is where you belong, and where you will find the love you are looking for. My life is living proof.